rachelbegins: (brendon singing)
[personal profile] rachelbegins
I don't even know.  Cut for angst and general crazy.


Oh man.  Let's just call me a sullen mass of somber crazy and be thorough about it, okay?  Okay.  There are a lot of things that I barely have sorted out in my head, so trying to explain them here is only going to make me seem like I'm slowly losing my marbles.  I probably am.  I think that, if I were to listen closely, I could hear them tumble from my ears and clack against the floor.  But even if I were to pay attention to them, I would only have to watch them roll under the door and out onto the street, with no hopes of rounding them back up, instead of simply assuming that I didn't have that many left to begin with.  Ignorance really is bliss sometimes, isn't it?

Promise, I will start making sense eventually.

College is going to be a crazy, intense, beautiful experience and I am excited, and somehow scared as hell at the same time.  Envirothon on the 15th, college registration on the 18th, concert on the 24th, prom on May 1st and then graduation on May 23rd.  Somewhere in all that, I also need to help my mom finish her taxes so I can get my financial aid sorted out, get a job, get an apartment, and go shopping for school stuff.  Oh, and I have play practice every Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday and then Choir on every Thursday.  PLUS, how could I forget that I still have papers to write and music to learn for school.   

Maybe that doesn't sound like a lot to some of you, but I'm not used to this and I'm so swamped, when I'm not at school or doing college crap, I'm asleep or watching Will & Grace to try and wind down and stop feeling like I'm moving through quicksand. 

It's almost like.  All my life I've seen everything in black and white: this is what I could do and this is what I have to do.  There has never been anything in-between, no question over which is which.  But now, it's more like I can suddenly see every shade of gray, all the decisions that I've been forcing into either category but I can't get by like that anymore.  There are too many shades to sort out and things are blurring together, but I'm afraid to let them just fall into place. 

Okay, so I promised sense.  Maybe I lied.

And then there's all this crap with Nic and Kerri.  Kerri, his best friend for years before I showed up and threw everything out of focus.  When Nic and I talk about everything that happened, he assures me that now that he's had me, he could never go back from it.  We are magnets, we attract other metals, but there will always be the other pole to hold onto so tightly that it's almost impossible to seperate us.  Or, that's how he puts it and I agree.  We're too.  We're too something to ever go back from where we are.  That being said, I'm so insecure about everything in my life, Nic included.  There's still that part of me that's so afraid of him  going right back to Kerri once I'm in college, just because he's lonely.  We're stronger than that and I know it, but God, the feeling lingers. 

What can I do but cling to him with all that I have? 

Sometimes I wonder about what made me so scared, and then I remember that oh, yeah, it wasn't just one thing.   It wasn't just one person, it was everything and everyone. 

And just for the record, I owe melody_so_sweet forever just for sending me pics and flailing with me.  It helps me feel a bit more grounded. 

And just for the record, there is no excuse for being as sad as I am.  This is crazy, I am crazy.

None of the above entry makes any sense.  I'm sorry.

(no subject)

Date: 2009-04-04 03:30 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] melody-so-sweet.livejournal.com
Shame on you, apologizing. This makes perfect sense.

I can't even bring myself to work on college shit. I'm so terrified, and it's just too much. I suggest... making a list. Of everything you need to do. You don't have to check them off, or even do anything on the list. (I'm not much of a to-do list person myself). But just write it all down so you know what has to be done. Maybe it will sort your mind a bit. *shrug* The curse of seniors... ugh. epic laziness with epic amounts of work/worry.

As for Nic, babe you and I are so alike. Friends come, and friends go... but friends family like Nic... he's there to stay. And I hate to say it, because I can find the exact parallel in my life (and it hurts, I know), but if he wants to still be ~friends with her... you can't stop him. As much as I'm possessive... I can't keep Lisette from being friends with the girl that tore my heart out last June.

All we can do is cling to those we love, and hope to god they don't leave us. Because we know how it feels to be left, and it hurts.

But bb, as long as there's internet, and computers, and heck, I'll even give you my phone number... I'm here. I'm loyal. I'm staying.

<3 ily, bb. Feel better. Because if you can do it, so can I. :)

(no subject)

Date: 2009-04-04 03:38 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] lumberxjill.livejournal.com
[first, I think I'm physic because I logged back into LJ at the exact second your comment was posted]

Maybe it's just in my head that I don't make any sense. *shrug*.

A list sounds like a good idea. Top of that list is finding an apartment. I'm moving out in 3 months, and I want to be ready.

God, I'm so glad someone gets it. I try to explain this to anyone else and they just stare at me. I love Kerri, I do. But at the same time, she's the only person who could ever take him from me and I just. I couldn't deal with that. It hurts, and I hate that you have to know what it feels like too =/.

I'm trying. I'm holding onto him with every cell in my body and just praying for the best. I've been left so often... it's a hard habit to break, the doubt.

I love bandom because it brought me to you and you're something stable, I'm not used to that. I've never really had a cell phone, but as soon as I get one [which I will need one for school] I'm e-mailing you my number. Expect constant texts.

Remember that this goes both ways, my ears are always perked in your direction, I'm not going anywhere and that's a promise.

Iloveyoutoo, bby. And I'm trying, just for you =]

(no subject)

Date: 2009-04-04 03:57 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] melody-so-sweet.livejournal.com
[I think you're psychic because you keep describing myself, you creeper]

I make lists all the time just to sort. Then I dispose of them. Feels good. XD

The beauty of you and I, is that we both know what it's like. We both are painfully loyal. We're both the ones that tend to be left, instead of doing the leaving. We both wouldn't want to do that to someone else. So we won't do it to each other.

I've sorta developed a wall around myself. There's a few people that just walk right through the gate, ignoring the wall completely. XD That's you, Lisette, and Gabe. Somehow you found a way into my heart past my protective skin.

Oh gosh. I text constantly, so remember you asked for it. XD Gabe got sick of my texts and disabled his phone forgot to pay his phone bill, so I can't text him anymore. XD

<3

(no subject)

Date: 2009-04-05 04:04 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] lumberxjill.livejournal.com
[TULIPS. we're both creepers and it's awesome]

I have a desktop widget now that I can make lists on, just to remind me of stuff XD.

In a way, I guess it's a good thing that I'm so used to being left, because I do know what it feels like and because of that, it's made me a fiercely loyal friend. Something like a blessing in disguise, I guess.

ME TOO. Seriously, no matter how hard I try, there are the few people who just kind of waltz on through. Which, for me, is you, Nic, and Beka. I don't know how you guys did it, but I'm glad you did.

I AM TOTALLY OKAY WITH THAT =D. Seriously, I love to text people. makes me miss my phone =/. Bahahaha XD I would text Nic so much that he just kind of turned his phone off and pretended I didn't exist =]

<33

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