rachelbegins: (brendon singing)
[personal profile] rachelbegins
I don't even know.  Cut for angst and general crazy.

Oh man.  Let's just call me a sullen mass of somber crazy and be thorough about it, okay?  Okay.  There are a lot of things that I barely have sorted out in my head, so trying to explain them here is only going to make me seem like I'm slowly losing my marbles.  I probably am.  I think that, if I were to listen closely, I could hear them tumble from my ears and clack against the floor.  But even if I were to pay attention to them, I would only have to watch them roll under the door and out onto the street, with no hopes of rounding them back up, instead of simply assuming that I didn't have that many left to begin with.  Ignorance really is bliss sometimes, isn't it?

Promise, I will start making sense eventually.

College is going to be a crazy, intense, beautiful experience and I am excited, and somehow scared as hell at the same time.  Envirothon on the 15th, college registration on the 18th, concert on the 24th, prom on May 1st and then graduation on May 23rd.  Somewhere in all that, I also need to help my mom finish her taxes so I can get my financial aid sorted out, get a job, get an apartment, and go shopping for school stuff.  Oh, and I have play practice every Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday and then Choir on every Thursday.  PLUS, how could I forget that I still have papers to write and music to learn for school.   

Maybe that doesn't sound like a lot to some of you, but I'm not used to this and I'm so swamped, when I'm not at school or doing college crap, I'm asleep or watching Will & Grace to try and wind down and stop feeling like I'm moving through quicksand. 

It's almost like.  All my life I've seen everything in black and white: this is what I could do and this is what I have to do.  There has never been anything in-between, no question over which is which.  But now, it's more like I can suddenly see every shade of gray, all the decisions that I've been forcing into either category but I can't get by like that anymore.  There are too many shades to sort out and things are blurring together, but I'm afraid to let them just fall into place. 

Okay, so I promised sense.  Maybe I lied.

And then there's all this crap with Nic and Kerri.  Kerri, his best friend for years before I showed up and threw everything out of focus.  When Nic and I talk about everything that happened, he assures me that now that he's had me, he could never go back from it.  We are magnets, we attract other metals, but there will always be the other pole to hold onto so tightly that it's almost impossible to seperate us.  Or, that's how he puts it and I agree.  We're too.  We're too something to ever go back from where we are.  That being said, I'm so insecure about everything in my life, Nic included.  There's still that part of me that's so afraid of him  going right back to Kerri once I'm in college, just because he's lonely.  We're stronger than that and I know it, but God, the feeling lingers. 

What can I do but cling to him with all that I have? 

Sometimes I wonder about what made me so scared, and then I remember that oh, yeah, it wasn't just one thing.   It wasn't just one person, it was everything and everyone. 

And just for the record, I owe melody_so_sweet forever just for sending me pics and flailing with me.  It helps me feel a bit more grounded. 

And just for the record, there is no excuse for being as sad as I am.  This is crazy, I am crazy.

None of the above entry makes any sense.  I'm sorry.
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