rachelbegins: (brendon singing)
I think this icon accurately expresses how I'm feeling right now.  Here, have some quickly and poorly written poetry.

only the curious

these nights feel like forever, every second drags
on for miles and I am so far from home. I can't
see the light in your eyes from here, come back
to me?  come into the light so I can see that
smile and those eyes and we both know where
this is heading.  it's no secret that my heart, it
beats so slowly but in perfect time with yours. 
this rush of days and nothing will erase the mark
you've made upon my heart: a permanent reminder
that I will follow wherever you will lead me, out of
the woods and into a world where nothing makes
sense, not even you and it's true, I would give up
forever to touch you and I know that you feel me
somehow, you have to, I can hear it in your voice,
every I love you is left unsaid to die in whispers
between us, this empty static that plays on a
lonely radio, the one that's left behind. love, we
were perfection, the kind of forever that they are
jealous of.  and you, you gave it all  up for nothing. 
she may have a better kiss  but it will never last,
and all that I can give  you is everything I have:
a heart that's bruised but waiting for your arms,
two eyes that see the beauty that rests inside
of you, and a love that will wash over us and
calm this sea of uncertainty.  oh, and love, I
miss your voice, that quiet drawl in the early
hours to set me at ease, and those uneven
notes to lull me to sleep.  nothing will ever erase
the safety I found in your arms, the comfort I
depended on, the love that kept me above water. 
and all of it, I will remember.  youandme and
everything in between, every second another
reminder that I lost the other half of my heart. 
so I, I will stay here in the cobwebs of your past,
with every good thing you  left behind, waiting. 
time is nothing to me,I have more than enough,
every word we say is one step closer to where we
will end up, alone, together, at the end of the world

rachelbegins: (the perks of being a wallflower)
The TOUR!AU is finally done.  And it has a name now, which is pretty sweet.  It's not very long, but it doesn't need to be I guess.  I hope you love it.

and it's like I can't feel a thing without you around.
ryan && brendon
2457 words

and don't mind me if I get weak in the knees cause you have that effect on me. )

rachelbegins: (Default)
Shannon is amazing.  Just for the record.  AND, I wrote her a ficlet =]

there is no perfection in me, but maybe clarity

ryan && brendon
for shannon.

the minor fall, the major lift )

rachelbegins: (Default)

Hahah, I should be in 5th period right now, but I'm not because I'm a loser.

Also, I have a tumblr now =D.  I'm sort of in love with it.

Link!  Check it out if you want to, it's pretty neat stuff.


rachelbegins: (Default)

First off, I can has FIC rec!  =D

Like Gravity, You Pull me Back  by [profile] noahatthedisco
Review:  There are tons of fics out there about Ryan and Brendon being together and breaking up, but coming back to each other.  Something about this fic is different, more real.  Better.  It's amazing, I suggest you go read it now.

Plus, I addedd a paragraph or two to my Untitled Tour!FIC.  When It gets around the 2,000 word mark, I'll cut to it again.  Awesome stuff.
rachelbegins: (Bdon lavender hoodie)
I don't even know, okay?  FIC.  I miss Nic and when I miss him, I write fic.  What this says about our friendship, I don't know.  But I don't think it matters anyway.

Anyway, I wrote FIC today, and it's not done yet.  But it's getting there.  It's a scene or two that, after I clean it up, could turn into a pretty nice FIC, one that I could maybe even be proud of.  I'm putting it under a cut just for people who aren't into slash [although I don't know why they wouldn't be]

The thing about being on tour... )
rachelbegins: (I'm not good or real)
So, according to my doctor, I have bronchitis, strep throat, and possibly mono.  I'm also not allowed to go back to school until, at the earliest,  Wed. of next week.  This isn't as surprising as you would think, seeing as I've been puking and coughing and just dying in general for days now.  More like a week, really.   Still, this is pretty much crap.  The first day of play practice is Wed. of next week, and if I'm not well enough to go.. well, I'm going anyway, but I'm gonna be really pissed off about it.  Just for the record.

Nic is about to finally get himself a car.  It's a Celica, with band stickers on the back and a 'Miranda' sticker on the window.  I'm kind of in love with it and we're friends with the guy selling it, so it's only $750 dollars.  As soon as he buys it, I'll put up pictures of me standing on the back because I'm lame that way.  I wanted to take it down to Charlottle with us, but Nic doesn't want to risk it.  It is an old car, after all. 

Guys, I finally filled up all my user-pic slots.  This is a big deal for me, I normally just use the same picture for everything.   I feel like I should use the space if they give it to me though,  so.

I'm working on like, 5 fics right now.  None of them are even half-way done, and I kind of hate myself for that.   When I say that I write all the time, I'm not exagerating in the least.  My pen is always to the paper, my fingers are always against these keys.  I don't know what else to do with myself, so I let the words fix things.  However, fic is a nice break from all my crazy and now that I'm not writing as much fic, I'm writing a surplus of poetry that doesn't make any sense and I hate that.  I like my fic, I miss it.  

It's late where I live, and I should be getting my rest since I'm so deathly and all.   But today, I slept until 3:30 in the afternoon, so I'm not even tired.  I should use this time to work on fic or something, but instead I'm gonna watch Will & Grace and pretend all my fic doesn't exist so it won't be mad at me for not writing it.  This is sad and crazy, but what can I do.

On that note, NIC:

He's my favorite.

And now I'm off to sleep.  <3

rachelbegins: (Default)
I think it's about time for a good meme.  More like, I feel like shit and doing a ridiculous meme might make me feel a little bit better.  Seriously guys, I've had a sore throat from hell and a really high fever for days now and I have no. idea. why. 

So, here it goes:

Set your MP3 player to shuffle and type out a lyric from each song that plays, 1-25.  Try and get your f-list to guess the songs.

1.  Letting you in, well, I'll be thinking 'bout tomorrow and every time we cross those lines.
2.  This glass house is burning down, you light the match, I'll stick around.  I'll give you everything you want and wish the worst on what I was.
3.  This might just be a waste of time, but there's no one I'd rather waste my time with than all my best friends.
4.  What you feel is what you are and what you are is beautiful. 
5.  I just got myself to blame, leave everything up to fate.  When there's choices I could make, when there's choices I could make.  And now my heart needs a polygraph, always so eager to pack my bags when I really want to stay.
6.  When you're soaring through the air, I'll be your solid ground.  Take every chance you dare.  I'll still be there when you come back down.
7.  I can't believe it's been a year since I kissed my fears on their salty lips and said to them, 'I love you all'. 
8.  I saw the clouds forming tornados in the sky, the winter winds blew on lake michigan that night.  I carved your name into my arm so I would remember you. 
9.  Somewhere in between the beginning and the end, september took the tourists, settled in for good.  We could hear the trains again, brooklyn girls in scarves.  Summer left, and no one said a word.  We'd open your window, stay in your bed all day, 'till the streetlights came on.
10.  But with all my expectations long abandoned, my solitary nature notwithstanding.  You're the one who pulled me out of that crash-landing, my stunning mystery companion.
11.   You are calm and reposed, watch your beauty unfold; pale white like the skin stretched over your bones.  Spring keeps you ever-close, you are second hand smoke.  You are so fragile and thin, standing trial for your sins.  Holding onto yourself the best you can, you are the smell before rain, you are the blood in my veins.
12.  An anchor tied to their feet, with all their love, their hearts will sink.
13.  Baby, is this love for real?
14.  As you bury yourself deep in the dust of the sandiest grave you can find, it's a new desert life.  To be reborn again out of glass and of sand and you're shimmering and you are clear.
15.  We're only taking turns holding this world.  It's how it's always been, when you're older you will understand.
16.  I dreamed I saw you walking up a hillside in the snow.  Casting shadows on the winter sky as you stood there, counting crows.
17.  I'd run to you, but pain awaits. I'm coming home, but I'll be late.
18.  Salt, sweat, sugar on the asphalt. Our hearts, littering the topsoil.
19.  The regrets are useless in my mind, she's in my head I must confess. 
20.  This story's old but it goes on and on until we disappear.  Call me and let me taste the salt you breathed while you were underneath, I am the one who haunts your dreams of mountains sunk below the sea.  I spoke the words, but never gave a thought to what they all could mean.  I know that this is what you want, a funeral keeps both of us apart.  You know that you are not alone, I need you like water in my lungs.
21.  You took me from all that I knew, showed me how it feels to hope.  With you with me, facing tomorrow, together I can learn to fly.  It feels like I'm living in the lions mouth, but the lion is an angel.
22.  Lonely the life and dismal the view.  Closed is the road that leads to you.  Since better can be as friends we'll agree, Sabra girl, time will cure me.
23.  Buses, trains and airplanes leaving, burning fumes of gasoline and everyone is running and I come to find a refuge in the easy silence that you make for me.  It's okay when there's nothing more to say to me.  In the peaceful quiet that you create for me, and the way you keep the world at bay for me. 
24.  The closer that I look is just the farther that you get.  Already, stubborn skin thickens in attempt to understand.
25.  Through playful lips made of yarn, that fragile capricorn unraveled words like moths upon old scarves.  I know the word's a broken bone, but melt your headaches, call it home.

And there's that.  Guess if you like.

Also, new layout that I think I'm probably in love with.  Life is good.
rachelbegins: (Default)
Sometimes, I'll wake up in the middle of the night and not know where I am.  I'll stretch and blink and reach for my glasses and in those first few moments of blurry consciousness, nothing feels like it should.  My eyes are too warm, my limbs are too light and it feels as if something has crawled under my skin.  And well, ever since I got this ridiculous cold, that's how I've been feeling.  I just.  I feel like I'm not all here. I fee like radio static.  Frazzled.  A little bit desperate and lost.

Let it also be known that I pretty much make less than sense when I'm on any kind of medicine, let alone taking one of every pill in the house, as I am now.  I will probably look at this entry tomorrow and want to punch myself.

On the bright side, my 18th birthday isn't until March 25th, but my mom bought my present  today:  2 tickets to see Fall Out Boy in Charlotte on April 24th.   And let me just say that I've never been more excited for anything.  Ever.  Fall Out Boy is my band, you know?  The one band that I've just always been into more than anyone else I know.  I'm a die hard, since Evening Out...  And honest to God, I could not have a more amazing mom.  The tickets and fees and parking totaled around 141 dollars and I don't even know if we can afford that.  But part of me doesn't even care because I'm not used to being about to do stuff like this and it almost feels like, after all the things I've gone without over the years, I deserve this.

She got two tickets, so I'm taking my bestie, Nic.  He even volunteered to drive =].  Obviously, we're excited as crap.

And this is gonna be my first real show.  I'll be 18 and going to my first show.  I think that fits, somehow.  It fits because going to big deal shows since the age of 12 doesn't make you hardcore, it makes you careless.  You don't appreciate concerts when you're 12.  When you're 12, you're a baby.  I'm excited because I'm old enough to really appreciate who I'm seeing, old enough to really enjoy myself. 

That reminds me of something I hate about a lot of Fall Out Boy fans, they're such snobs.  Seriously, if you haven't been to every show ever, they just turn up their noses and treat you like shit.  I know, I've been there.  They don't understand that forcing their parents to not go grocery shopping just so they can go to a show is not being a die-hard, it's being a snotty kid.  And we all know that happens.  Kids will cry and scream until they get their parents to hand over the credit cards.  My mom has never been able to afford concert tickets for me, so I've never bothered asking.  Because of that, I've missed 11 concerts in 7 years, at least.  Those are just the ones I can think of off the top of my head.  And it's never mattered because I've always known that it's more important to pay the bills. Growing up poor is good for a kid.

And because I've never seen FOB live,  no one on the message boards or Friends or Enemies will take me me seriously.  Very frustrating.  I guess that they just don't understand that there's a whole group of die-hards out there who simply don't have the means to see them as often as we would like, if at all.

Sorry about all the ranting, but I get really into the scene.  I think that everyone should just let the music speak for itself.  I wish that people would just stop being crazy. 

Still!  4 hours in a car with my best friend.  It's a good time already, pretty much.  And I made sure mom got GA floor seats so we can get up close to the stage and freak out and stuff. 

This brings me to my list of artists that I would love to see live, in no particular order:

1.  Jackson Browne.
2.  Panic at the Disco.
3.  Green Day.
4.  Gym Class Heroes.
5.  Counting Crows.
6.  Anna Nalick
7.  The Academy Is...
8.  The Eagles [just because]
9.  Trans-Siberian Orchestra.
10.  Jack's Mannequin.

It makes me really happy that FOB is no longer on the list because I'm actually gonna see them. 

I have to go back to school tomorrow and I don't want to because it's probably not safe to drive a mini-van while on cold medicine, and I have to turn in my annotated bibliography for my research paper on E.E. Cummings.  I haven't even started the actual paper, and my rough draft is due on Friday.

I haven't eaten in three days and now that I'm done ranting and not making any sense, I'm gonna go to sleep.

rachelbegins: (Default)
I've been listening to Bright Eyes a lot more than usual lately.  And you know, I listen to them a lot, but they're pretty much all that's on my Zune quick list these days.  And I'm even sad or lonely like I usually am whenever I listen to them.  Crazy stuff.

So, I saw the music prompt on Wednesday for we are cities and I started writing this crazy standalone... type weird thing.  It's more like a bunch of little scenes that sort of go together.  And I can't decide if I want to connect them all together or leave them all very loosely related like they are now.  Surprisingly, I really like them, I think that with a bit of work, they could be really good.

Also, I think I've some new friends to aid me in my fic writing =D.  I'm so excited, I love people giving me constructive criticism when I write, it's pretty much my favorite thing ever.  Besides, there's nothing like talking to another writer.  They put things in perspective, they understand where I'm coming from.

My poetry has kind of been suffering lately.  I don't know why, but I'm just not writing as much of it as I used to.  It's kind of hard to explain.  It's not like I write a lot of poetry anyway, but when I do it's intense and long and I love it.  Something about poetry just makes me feel comfortable.  I guess it's easier for people to criticize stories, poetry can mean whatever I want it to and no one says a word.  That sounds horrible, doesn't it?  Oh well.

Graduation is in a few months and I still have so many schools left to apply for.  My grades have never been really low, but they've also never really been as high as I would like.  I'm hoping that my high ACT score will help me get into my top-choice school, but I don't know.  I've always cared about my grades, but they've never really reflected that, I guess. 

Have any of you noticed that when I'm writing blogs, my writing doesn't flow at all.  I just jump around and switch to whatever pops into my head without any regard for how ridiculous I sound.  Hope that doesn't bother anyone. 

On that note, sort of, I'm considering making my journal friends only. I don't have a lot of friends, but I really want to keep my journal private while still knowing people are listening.  Thus, friends only.  Making a banner is gonna be the hard part, since my photoshop skills are pretty much non-existent. woot.

And I wish that I could spiff up my journal a bit more, but whatever.

Sorry for all the rambling.



June 2009

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