rachelbegins: (Default)
2009-06-22 12:56 am

genuine and unprepared.

So.  I have a tattoo now =].

I decided to get it on my wrist because I want to always be able to look at it and remind myself of what I'm working for.  It's gorgeous, and I love it.  Of course, now I'm sort of addicted and I can't wait to go get some more.

Unrelatedly, Gunner has decided that he might still have feelings for me.  My brain is dizzy.

And I wrote this:

this sky is littered with cotton-ball clouds,
warm like an oil-painting. beautiful and blurred.
softened edges, laden with flaws as though
God had a shaky hand, was short on a
deadline, rushed. and you imagine yourself
with all the colors of perfection splattered
along your fingertips. a brush constructed
from angels' wings and you feel like infinity
to me; so unreachable, so unreadable. I
watch with sunken eyes as that brush of
yours skims along the canvas in front of you,
thick, bold strokes of primary colors that
blend to accurately describe this mess that
we have become. you see me with an
honesty that I could never understand, paint
my face in shades of yellow while I write to
you in clipped verses and uneven lines. this
is a sign that we are both missing, a way of
life that we have stopped believing in but this
time, I want nothing more than for it to be
enough that we are both the last of our kind.


ily, Shan.

rachelbegins: (brendon's MOUTH)
2009-06-16 10:35 pm

a hurricane I'll never outrun.

There are feathers everywhere, but it's fine

And it is.  I'm fine, this is fine.  I can learn to live like this.  This stupid, stupid boy.  This foolish, foolish girl.  This clumsy, clumsy heart.  I feel so disconnected, like I'm watching myself from a great distance, horrified at the choices I'm making but unable to do a thing about it.

I'm not in love with him, I don't even like him.  And he isn't in love with me, he doesn't even like me... but at the same time, it's like we're unable to be justfriends.  There's this connection between us, a golden thread that keeps us together even through our best attempts to cut through it.  Maybe it's the hopeless romantic in me, or maybe it's my inability to accept things as they are, but that has to mean something, right?  The fact that we always come back to each other has to stand for something.  Maybe we don't know what but probably, we wish we didn't know.

I'd like to get off this emo-train, but it seems as if there are no stops between where I am and where I would like to be.  This always happens.

Let's try to lighten things up a bit, shall we?  I have a ton of phrases to base fic on, but I need to finish swing!FIC first.  It's taking me forever because I want it to be good and epic and amazing and I don't know if I can pull that off.  Regarldess, here are some of the prompts I have in mind for fic:

As you drift further into the past, my memory of you fractures and splinters until all I can clearly remember is not a picture but a feeling.

Items will say “no known compatible issues” because there will be no known compatible issues and there won’t be any jails or courts or manuals or propriety or form signing and faxing because you will trust me and I will trust you.

And when I asked you how you'd been I meant I missed you more than I've ever missed anything before.

You can never lose yourself so much that I won't find you. And remind you of what it felt like to be here.

It's easy. You just love me with all your heart and soul till the end of time.

You're not lost. You are the sky. Your parts move and now, never rust. You are burning wheels and a turning world. You are the wind in silver hair. This is our road. I am a map to you.

God.  I know that it sounds as if I plan to kill the boys from so much heartache, but I don't know how to write a sad ending, so.  Promise, I won't make the resulting fics too angsty.  

UB is hell.  I don't know how to function without Nic but I guess this is good for us.  Learning how to be okay without each other around constantly will come in handy when I start school.  =/.  

Also, tattoo soon =].  Hopefully this weekend, but only if Nic can go with me.  I feel like it would be something of a waste to go without my best friend.  Oh, and, since people keep asking, the reason I'm getting this tattoo all of a sudden is because my friend Rebekah is turning 18 on Thursday.  This is a huge deal, mainly because we've been counting down the days to her 18th birthday for 2 and a half years.  A little over a year ago, we agreed to get tattoos done together for her 18th birthday and here I am, planning out my simple treble clef.

When I called the tattoo parlor today  and he asked me what I wanted to get done so I told him, "I want a simple treble clef, behind my right ear." and he was like, 'That is going to hurt like hell.'  I just shrugged and replied, "Well, yeah.  But music is something I've always loved and will always love.  The pain is worth it for having music permantly under my skin." and he was just quiet for a few seconds XD.

But yeah.  Shan is the only person who ever reads my journal and I love her for it.  [I hope you liked your sign].

rachelbegins: (brendon singing)
2009-04-14 10:39 pm

there's angels tugging at your hair

I think it would be pretty awesome if the world would just, please, start making some sense.  Kthnx? More on that later....

Anyway.  I'm pretty sure everyone knows what Dollywood is, but in case you don't, it's this big deal theme park-type thing in Gatlinburg, TN that pretty much everyone in Tn flocks to every weekend.  Seriously.  It's like our Six Flags, only it's owned by Dolly Parton [hence the name].  It's a really neat place, full of awesome rides and shows and such and I love it there, but I never get to go.  So when my friend/future room-mate offered me a free ticket to go with my high school on last Friday, I glady accepted.  Long story short, I had a freakin' blast.

It was so nice to just get out of the house and hang out with some friends that I don't really get to see very often, let alone spend time with.  I got a slight sunburn and my calf muscles hurt like hell, but it was worth it.

Saturday was calm, content.  Peaceful in a starry-eyed sort of way.  I pretty much just wrote and ate pudding all day.  Good times.  Nic called, and he was supposed to come over and bake a cookie-cake with me, but then he had stuff to do for his mom and couldn't.

Nic worries me a lot lately.  I feel like he's letting too many outside influences keep him from really being happy.  Yes, he's bi, but he doesn't really like to talk about it [it's okay that you know, Shan, just don't ever bring it up with him].  He was raised in a family that was neither here nor there religiously, and because of that, he feels like he can't be bisexual, like he isn't allowed to because of the religion he's chosen to follow.

Now, I love and support him no matter what, but I can't stand seeing him repress feelings just to keep everyone else happy.  I'm afraid that he's going to miss out on so much if he chooses to not act on any feelings he may have for guys from this point on, he might miss out on that One Person just because it might be a guy. 

There's nothing wrong with how he feels towards other guys, and I've told him this but it's hard for him to accept.  It's like... I read this book once, and it had this theory:  'As far as gay and straight is concerned, on a scale of 0 to 10, everyone on earth falls between 1 and 9.'  That makes perfect sense and I believe it wholeheartedly.  Sometimes it's hard to make other people understand that.

I want him to feel accepted by a church, to have them know about his sexuality and embrace it instead of turning him out and I know he wants that too.  Except.. I'm afraid that he's so scared of not finding it that he's not even going to bother looking, as if that would make it hurt less.  Maybe it will, but probably not.

I wish I could turn this blog to a lighter note, but I'm afraid all I have are minor chords.

College is still scary, high school is still stupid, and I am still afraid of the future but still hoping for the best.  This always happens.  I've been reading a lot of weird poetry lately, and in an attempt to fix this mess of words I've tossed together, I'd like to bring your attention to the new poem for this month.

'How to Tell a Story' by Shira Erlichman.  It's gorgeous and ridiculous and makes me smile with all my teeth, bright and real.  Look it up.  I hope it makes you think.
rachelbegins: (Default)
2009-04-06 10:30 pm

high school sucks

Before  I go to bed, I'm going to rant about a stupid girl at my high school on my LJ instead of freaking out on her over Myspace.  Drama is stupid, and if I just rant about it now, I won't even think about it again.

1.  I have listened to Fall Out Boy since 2003.  No, not from the beginning.  But honestly, who has?
2.  I have wanted to be an Overcast Kid since 2003 as well.  The only reason that I'm not one is that I wouldn't be a die-hard for my mom not being able to pay a bill because I wanted to be in a fan club.  I would just be stupid.
3.  Joining a fan-club does not mean one thing.  It doesn't make you better than me, and it sure as hell doesn't mean that you're a 'bigger fan' than me.
4.  Just for the record, if you were a die-hard, you would know what 'Evening Out With Your Girlfriend' is.

Thank you, and goodnight.
rachelbegins: (Default)
2009-04-06 08:19 pm

and these walls hold secrets

I don't even know, at this point.

Fandom is making me really sad, because the boys are off making no sense whatsoever.  Something Big happened, and it feels like something with those boys has shifted drastically.  I will never believe in Ryan and Jon, I just won't.  Mainly because it feels to me that, the reason Jon stayed with Ryan is because Brendon wanted Spencer with him for the simple reason that Spencer was as close to Ryan as he was going to get at the time.  He was taking what he could get because he was feeling so damn lost.  I also agree with [livejournal.com profile] lolab  about the whole 'SEE? I'M FINE WITHOUT YOU!' thing.  Brendon was trying too hard on purpose, just to get Ryan to notice him again.

Srsly.  Bandom makes my head hurt.  There's so much fic that I want to write, but I really do not have time to write anything.  I barely have time to eat and sleep and do homework.  Life is sort of kicking my ass right now and it sucks.  And  I know that it's gonna get worse once I start college in the fall, especially with my goal of making the Dean's List. 

High hopes, I guess.

rachelbegins: (Default)
2009-04-03 11:46 pm

whatever tomorrow brings

I never said it was a good poem.  It's rough, it's uneven, it's ugly but it's honest.  And for that reason alone, I want to remember it.  This is for Nic, for Shan, for the few.  They know who they are.

catch my letters in a butterfly net,
try to pin them down but they flutter
into place on their own, wistful and
begging for you to just let them go,
to just trust them to lead you in the
right direction, despite the mist that
has covered your eyes.

and they fly, they still, they fall
into words and phrases that you
can't bear to look at, that you cover
with your hand, force your eyes to
the  sky.  but the words, they burn,
they are persistent and with that
same dull doubt you put your hands
to your sides, cast down your eyes
and read:

'forever is a notion that we will never
understand, something we will never
live to see.  but for now, it's enough
just to know that I've got you and
you've got me'
rachelbegins: (brendon singing)
2009-04-03 11:08 pm

someone else's heart, pumping someone else's blood

I don't even know.  Cut for angst and general crazy.

angst.angst.angst )
rachelbegins: (Default)
2009-03-11 07:51 am
Entry tags:

if you swear to listen

So much FIC lately, you guys.  Like.  I can't stop writing it, and it's kind of awesome.  Snippets and such will be forthcoming, I promise, but for right now, I'm just sending it to [livejournal.com profile] melody_so_sweet .  Awesome stuff.  On the other hand, if there's been good fic posted lately, I've missed it.  LINK ME? 

I should probably be in first period right now, which is Honor's English 4.  Instead, I'm working on FIC.  This always happens.  And in like, 2 minutes, I have to go pretend I'm good at art.

rachelbegins: (Default)
2009-03-09 07:46 pm

and I wish you weren't worth the wait

I've been meaning to write a fic about that song for years.  Don't know why I've never gotten around to it.  Right now, I have about 5 fics waiting paitently for me to finish them and I keep taking advantage of their willingness to wait.  [Why can't I ever 'talk' like a normal person?  I mean really.].

Sometimes, I read those 21,000 word fics that get like, 65 comments and I wonder what it is about them that attracts everyone.  It's not that they aren't very well written because they are, it's just that.  What is it about my fic that makes people skip over it most of the time?  Seriously.  Those fics are all about the same thing, about Ryan and Brendon being witty fail-boats that manage to fall in love.    It's the same dialogue, in different orders.  [livejournal.com profile] lolab is pretty much the only exception to this rule.

I want people to read my fic and appreciate the words,  but no one seems to love them quite the way I do.  Story of my life.

I need to put up my song rec of the day for Tumblr and I need to finish printing out pictures for my senior slideshow.  High school is crap, I cannot wait to finally get out.
rachelbegins: (brendon singing)
2009-03-09 12:11 am

I'm not your star.

It's been one of those days.

I don't want to bother re-hashing it here, but if you're interested, it's all in my Tumblr

you don’t always notice it right away
but part of its beauty is that you don’t
always have to.  love will stick around
long after you tell it to leave, and
promise you only things it can keep.

Three cheers for random bad poetry!  God.  Part of me just wants to cry for no reason.  I have amazing people in my life, and all the people who have brought me down are out of my life for good.  I have my college life set, and my future has never looked so bright…  So what’s holding me back?

I know what it’s like to be perfectly, indulgently happy.  Every individual piece of my life is perfect so why is it that, when I put them all together, all I get is a mess? I mean, it’s car a crash.  Passengers sustained minor injuries, but the driver is in intensive care.

Sometimes I think I’d be happier in a hospital bed.



rachelbegins: (brendon singing)
2009-03-02 10:30 pm

what we hate, we make.

I think this icon accurately expresses how I'm feeling right now.  Here, have some quickly and poorly written poetry.

only the curious

these nights feel like forever, every second drags
on for miles and I am so far from home. I can't
see the light in your eyes from here, come back
to me?  come into the light so I can see that
smile and those eyes and we both know where
this is heading.  it's no secret that my heart, it
beats so slowly but in perfect time with yours. 
this rush of days and nothing will erase the mark
you've made upon my heart: a permanent reminder
that I will follow wherever you will lead me, out of
the woods and into a world where nothing makes
sense, not even you and it's true, I would give up
forever to touch you and I know that you feel me
somehow, you have to, I can hear it in your voice,
every I love you is left unsaid to die in whispers
between us, this empty static that plays on a
lonely radio, the one that's left behind. love, we
were perfection, the kind of forever that they are
jealous of.  and you, you gave it all  up for nothing. 
she may have a better kiss  but it will never last,
and all that I can give  you is everything I have:
a heart that's bruised but waiting for your arms,
two eyes that see the beauty that rests inside
of you, and a love that will wash over us and
calm this sea of uncertainty.  oh, and love, I
miss your voice, that quiet drawl in the early
hours to set me at ease, and those uneven
notes to lull me to sleep.  nothing will ever erase
the safety I found in your arms, the comfort I
depended on, the love that kept me above water. 
and all of it, I will remember.  youandme and
everything in between, every second another
reminder that I lost the other half of my heart. 
so I, I will stay here in the cobwebs of your past,
with every good thing you  left behind, waiting. 
time is nothing to me,I have more than enough,
every word we say is one step closer to where we
will end up, alone, together, at the end of the world

rachelbegins: (the perks of being a wallflower)
2009-03-02 12:17 am
Entry tags:

how's it gonna be when you're not around?

The TOUR!AU is finally done.  And it has a name now, which is pretty sweet.  It's not very long, but it doesn't need to be I guess.  I hope you love it.

and it's like I can't feel a thing without you around.
ryan && brendon
2457 words

and don't mind me if I get weak in the knees cause you have that effect on me. )

rachelbegins: (Default)
2009-02-28 10:27 pm
Entry tags:

for you, a thousand times over.

Shannon is amazing.  Just for the record.  AND, I wrote her a ficlet =]

there is no perfection in me, but maybe clarity

ryan && brendon
for shannon.

the minor fall, the major lift )

rachelbegins: (Default)
2009-02-26 01:51 pm
Entry tags:

you don't even know.

Hahah, I should be in 5th period right now, but I'm not because I'm a loser.

Also, I have a tumblr now =D.  I'm sort of in love with it.

Link!  Check it out if you want to, it's pretty neat stuff.


rachelbegins: (Default)
2009-02-26 08:41 am
Entry tags:

no, this is how it works.

First off, I can has FIC rec!  =D

Like Gravity, You Pull me Back  by [profile] noahatthedisco
Review:  There are tons of fics out there about Ryan and Brendon being together and breaking up, but coming back to each other.  Something about this fic is different, more real.  Better.  It's amazing, I suggest you go read it now.

Plus, I addedd a paragraph or two to my Untitled Tour!FIC.  When It gets around the 2,000 word mark, I'll cut to it again.  Awesome stuff.
rachelbegins: (Bdon lavender hoodie)
2009-02-21 10:57 pm
Entry tags:

follow the leader until they stray.

I don't even know, okay?  FIC.  I miss Nic and when I miss him, I write fic.  What this says about our friendship, I don't know.  But I don't think it matters anyway.

Anyway, I wrote FIC today, and it's not done yet.  But it's getting there.  It's a scene or two that, after I clean it up, could turn into a pretty nice FIC, one that I could maybe even be proud of.  I'm putting it under a cut just for people who aren't into slash [although I don't know why they wouldn't be]

The thing about being on tour... )
rachelbegins: (I'm not good or real)
2009-02-21 12:27 am

then you're not human, you can't be human.

So, according to my doctor, I have bronchitis, strep throat, and possibly mono.  I'm also not allowed to go back to school until, at the earliest,  Wed. of next week.  This isn't as surprising as you would think, seeing as I've been puking and coughing and just dying in general for days now.  More like a week, really.   Still, this is pretty much crap.  The first day of play practice is Wed. of next week, and if I'm not well enough to go.. well, I'm going anyway, but I'm gonna be really pissed off about it.  Just for the record.

Nic is about to finally get himself a car.  It's a Celica, with band stickers on the back and a 'Miranda' sticker on the window.  I'm kind of in love with it and we're friends with the guy selling it, so it's only $750 dollars.  As soon as he buys it, I'll put up pictures of me standing on the back because I'm lame that way.  I wanted to take it down to Charlottle with us, but Nic doesn't want to risk it.  It is an old car, after all. 

Guys, I finally filled up all my user-pic slots.  This is a big deal for me, I normally just use the same picture for everything.   I feel like I should use the space if they give it to me though,  so.

I'm working on like, 5 fics right now.  None of them are even half-way done, and I kind of hate myself for that.   When I say that I write all the time, I'm not exagerating in the least.  My pen is always to the paper, my fingers are always against these keys.  I don't know what else to do with myself, so I let the words fix things.  However, fic is a nice break from all my crazy and now that I'm not writing as much fic, I'm writing a surplus of poetry that doesn't make any sense and I hate that.  I like my fic, I miss it.  

It's late where I live, and I should be getting my rest since I'm so deathly and all.   But today, I slept until 3:30 in the afternoon, so I'm not even tired.  I should use this time to work on fic or something, but instead I'm gonna watch Will & Grace and pretend all my fic doesn't exist so it won't be mad at me for not writing it.  This is sad and crazy, but what can I do.

On that note, NIC:

He's my favorite.

And now I'm off to sleep.  <3

rachelbegins: (Default)
2009-02-17 05:36 pm
Entry tags:

(no subject)

I think it's about time for a good meme.  More like, I feel like shit and doing a ridiculous meme might make me feel a little bit better.  Seriously guys, I've had a sore throat from hell and a really high fever for days now and I have no. idea. why. 

So, here it goes:

Set your MP3 player to shuffle and type out a lyric from each song that plays, 1-25.  Try and get your f-list to guess the songs.

1.  Letting you in, well, I'll be thinking 'bout tomorrow and every time we cross those lines.
2.  This glass house is burning down, you light the match, I'll stick around.  I'll give you everything you want and wish the worst on what I was.
3.  This might just be a waste of time, but there's no one I'd rather waste my time with than all my best friends.
4.  What you feel is what you are and what you are is beautiful. 
5.  I just got myself to blame, leave everything up to fate.  When there's choices I could make, when there's choices I could make.  And now my heart needs a polygraph, always so eager to pack my bags when I really want to stay.
6.  When you're soaring through the air, I'll be your solid ground.  Take every chance you dare.  I'll still be there when you come back down.
7.  I can't believe it's been a year since I kissed my fears on their salty lips and said to them, 'I love you all'. 
8.  I saw the clouds forming tornados in the sky, the winter winds blew on lake michigan that night.  I carved your name into my arm so I would remember you. 
9.  Somewhere in between the beginning and the end, september took the tourists, settled in for good.  We could hear the trains again, brooklyn girls in scarves.  Summer left, and no one said a word.  We'd open your window, stay in your bed all day, 'till the streetlights came on.
10.  But with all my expectations long abandoned, my solitary nature notwithstanding.  You're the one who pulled me out of that crash-landing, my stunning mystery companion.
11.   You are calm and reposed, watch your beauty unfold; pale white like the skin stretched over your bones.  Spring keeps you ever-close, you are second hand smoke.  You are so fragile and thin, standing trial for your sins.  Holding onto yourself the best you can, you are the smell before rain, you are the blood in my veins.
12.  An anchor tied to their feet, with all their love, their hearts will sink.
13.  Baby, is this love for real?
14.  As you bury yourself deep in the dust of the sandiest grave you can find, it's a new desert life.  To be reborn again out of glass and of sand and you're shimmering and you are clear.
15.  We're only taking turns holding this world.  It's how it's always been, when you're older you will understand.
16.  I dreamed I saw you walking up a hillside in the snow.  Casting shadows on the winter sky as you stood there, counting crows.
17.  I'd run to you, but pain awaits. I'm coming home, but I'll be late.
18.  Salt, sweat, sugar on the asphalt. Our hearts, littering the topsoil.
19.  The regrets are useless in my mind, she's in my head I must confess. 
20.  This story's old but it goes on and on until we disappear.  Call me and let me taste the salt you breathed while you were underneath, I am the one who haunts your dreams of mountains sunk below the sea.  I spoke the words, but never gave a thought to what they all could mean.  I know that this is what you want, a funeral keeps both of us apart.  You know that you are not alone, I need you like water in my lungs.
21.  You took me from all that I knew, showed me how it feels to hope.  With you with me, facing tomorrow, together I can learn to fly.  It feels like I'm living in the lions mouth, but the lion is an angel.
22.  Lonely the life and dismal the view.  Closed is the road that leads to you.  Since better can be as friends we'll agree, Sabra girl, time will cure me.
23.  Buses, trains and airplanes leaving, burning fumes of gasoline and everyone is running and I come to find a refuge in the easy silence that you make for me.  It's okay when there's nothing more to say to me.  In the peaceful quiet that you create for me, and the way you keep the world at bay for me. 
24.  The closer that I look is just the farther that you get.  Already, stubborn skin thickens in attempt to understand.
25.  Through playful lips made of yarn, that fragile capricorn unraveled words like moths upon old scarves.  I know the word's a broken bone, but melt your headaches, call it home.

And there's that.  Guess if you like.

Also, new layout that I think I'm probably in love with.  Life is good.
rachelbegins: (Default)
2009-02-16 04:57 pm

and try to keep myself away from me.

Sometimes, I'll wake up in the middle of the night and not know where I am.  I'll stretch and blink and reach for my glasses and in those first few moments of blurry consciousness, nothing feels like it should.  My eyes are too warm, my limbs are too light and it feels as if something has crawled under my skin.  And well, ever since I got this ridiculous cold, that's how I've been feeling.  I just.  I feel like I'm not all here. I fee like radio static.  Frazzled.  A little bit desperate and lost.

Let it also be known that I pretty much make less than sense when I'm on any kind of medicine, let alone taking one of every pill in the house, as I am now.  I will probably look at this entry tomorrow and want to punch myself.

On the bright side, my 18th birthday isn't until March 25th, but my mom bought my present  today:  2 tickets to see Fall Out Boy in Charlotte on April 24th.   And let me just say that I've never been more excited for anything.  Ever.  Fall Out Boy is my band, you know?  The one band that I've just always been into more than anyone else I know.  I'm a die hard, since Evening Out...  And honest to God, I could not have a more amazing mom.  The tickets and fees and parking totaled around 141 dollars and I don't even know if we can afford that.  But part of me doesn't even care because I'm not used to being about to do stuff like this and it almost feels like, after all the things I've gone without over the years, I deserve this.

She got two tickets, so I'm taking my bestie, Nic.  He even volunteered to drive =].  Obviously, we're excited as crap.

And this is gonna be my first real show.  I'll be 18 and going to my first show.  I think that fits, somehow.  It fits because going to big deal shows since the age of 12 doesn't make you hardcore, it makes you careless.  You don't appreciate concerts when you're 12.  When you're 12, you're a baby.  I'm excited because I'm old enough to really appreciate who I'm seeing, old enough to really enjoy myself. 

That reminds me of something I hate about a lot of Fall Out Boy fans, they're such snobs.  Seriously, if you haven't been to every show ever, they just turn up their noses and treat you like shit.  I know, I've been there.  They don't understand that forcing their parents to not go grocery shopping just so they can go to a show is not being a die-hard, it's being a snotty kid.  And we all know that happens.  Kids will cry and scream until they get their parents to hand over the credit cards.  My mom has never been able to afford concert tickets for me, so I've never bothered asking.  Because of that, I've missed 11 concerts in 7 years, at least.  Those are just the ones I can think of off the top of my head.  And it's never mattered because I've always known that it's more important to pay the bills. Growing up poor is good for a kid.

And because I've never seen FOB live,  no one on the message boards or Friends or Enemies will take me me seriously.  Very frustrating.  I guess that they just don't understand that there's a whole group of die-hards out there who simply don't have the means to see them as often as we would like, if at all.

Sorry about all the ranting, but I get really into the scene.  I think that everyone should just let the music speak for itself.  I wish that people would just stop being crazy. 

Still!  4 hours in a car with my best friend.  It's a good time already, pretty much.  And I made sure mom got GA floor seats so we can get up close to the stage and freak out and stuff. 

This brings me to my list of artists that I would love to see live, in no particular order:

1.  Jackson Browne.
2.  Panic at the Disco.
3.  Green Day.
4.  Gym Class Heroes.
5.  Counting Crows.
6.  Anna Nalick
7.  The Academy Is...
8.  The Eagles [just because]
9.  Trans-Siberian Orchestra.
10.  Jack's Mannequin.

It makes me really happy that FOB is no longer on the list because I'm actually gonna see them. 

I have to go back to school tomorrow and I don't want to because it's probably not safe to drive a mini-van while on cold medicine, and I have to turn in my annotated bibliography for my research paper on E.E. Cummings.  I haven't even started the actual paper, and my rough draft is due on Friday.

I haven't eaten in three days and now that I'm done ranting and not making any sense, I'm gonna go to sleep.

rachelbegins: (Default)
2009-02-03 01:27 pm

but when I press the keys, it all gets reversed

I've been listening to Bright Eyes a lot more than usual lately.  And you know, I listen to them a lot, but they're pretty much all that's on my Zune quick list these days.  And I'm even sad or lonely like I usually am whenever I listen to them.  Crazy stuff.

So, I saw the music prompt on Wednesday for we are cities and I started writing this crazy standalone... type weird thing.  It's more like a bunch of little scenes that sort of go together.  And I can't decide if I want to connect them all together or leave them all very loosely related like they are now.  Surprisingly, I really like them, I think that with a bit of work, they could be really good.

Also, I think I've some new friends to aid me in my fic writing =D.  I'm so excited, I love people giving me constructive criticism when I write, it's pretty much my favorite thing ever.  Besides, there's nothing like talking to another writer.  They put things in perspective, they understand where I'm coming from.

My poetry has kind of been suffering lately.  I don't know why, but I'm just not writing as much of it as I used to.  It's kind of hard to explain.  It's not like I write a lot of poetry anyway, but when I do it's intense and long and I love it.  Something about poetry just makes me feel comfortable.  I guess it's easier for people to criticize stories, poetry can mean whatever I want it to and no one says a word.  That sounds horrible, doesn't it?  Oh well.

Graduation is in a few months and I still have so many schools left to apply for.  My grades have never been really low, but they've also never really been as high as I would like.  I'm hoping that my high ACT score will help me get into my top-choice school, but I don't know.  I've always cared about my grades, but they've never really reflected that, I guess. 

Have any of you noticed that when I'm writing blogs, my writing doesn't flow at all.  I just jump around and switch to whatever pops into my head without any regard for how ridiculous I sound.  Hope that doesn't bother anyone. 

On that note, sort of, I'm considering making my journal friends only. I don't have a lot of friends, but I really want to keep my journal private while still knowing people are listening.  Thus, friends only.  Making a banner is gonna be the hard part, since my photoshop skills are pretty much non-existent. woot.

And I wish that I could spiff up my journal a bit more, but whatever.

Sorry for all the rambling.