rachelbegins: (Default)
I never said it was a good poem.  It's rough, it's uneven, it's ugly but it's honest.  And for that reason alone, I want to remember it.  This is for Nic, for Shan, for the few.  They know who they are.


catch my letters in a butterfly net,
try to pin them down but they flutter
into place on their own, wistful and
begging for you to just let them go,
to just trust them to lead you in the
right direction, despite the mist that
has covered your eyes.

and they fly, they still, they fall
into words and phrases that you
can't bear to look at, that you cover
with your hand, force your eyes to
the  sky.  but the words, they burn,
they are persistent and with that
same dull doubt you put your hands
to your sides, cast down your eyes
and read:

'forever is a notion that we will never
understand, something we will never
live to see.  but for now, it's enough
just to know that I've got you and
you've got me'
rachelbegins: (brendon singing)
It's been one of those days.

I don't want to bother re-hashing it here, but if you're interested, it's all in my Tumblr




you don’t always notice it right away
but part of its beauty is that you don’t
always have to.  love will stick around
long after you tell it to leave, and
promise you only things it can keep.

Three cheers for random bad poetry!  God.  Part of me just wants to cry for no reason.  I have amazing people in my life, and all the people who have brought me down are out of my life for good.  I have my college life set, and my future has never looked so bright…  So what’s holding me back?

I know what it’s like to be perfectly, indulgently happy.  Every individual piece of my life is perfect so why is it that, when I put them all together, all I get is a mess? I mean, it’s car a crash.  Passengers sustained minor injuries, but the driver is in intensive care.

Sometimes I think I’d be happier in a hospital bed.

xxoo
rachel
 


 

rachelbegins: (brendon singing)
I think this icon accurately expresses how I'm feeling right now.  Here, have some quickly and poorly written poetry.


only the curious

these nights feel like forever, every second drags
on for miles and I am so far from home. I can't
see the light in your eyes from here, come back
to me?  come into the light so I can see that
smile and those eyes and we both know where
this is heading.  it's no secret that my heart, it
beats so slowly but in perfect time with yours. 
this rush of days and nothing will erase the mark
you've made upon my heart: a permanent reminder
that I will follow wherever you will lead me, out of
the woods and into a world where nothing makes
sense, not even you and it's true, I would give up
forever to touch you and I know that you feel me
somehow, you have to, I can hear it in your voice,
every I love you is left unsaid to die in whispers
between us, this empty static that plays on a
lonely radio, the one that's left behind. love, we
were perfection, the kind of forever that they are
jealous of.  and you, you gave it all  up for nothing. 
she may have a better kiss  but it will never last,
and all that I can give  you is everything I have:
a heart that's bruised but waiting for your arms,
two eyes that see the beauty that rests inside
of you, and a love that will wash over us and
calm this sea of uncertainty.  oh, and love, I
miss your voice, that quiet drawl in the early
hours to set me at ease, and those uneven
notes to lull me to sleep.  nothing will ever erase
the safety I found in your arms, the comfort I
depended on, the love that kept me above water. 
and all of it, I will remember.  youandme and
everything in between, every second another
reminder that I lost the other half of my heart. 
so I, I will stay here in the cobwebs of your past,
with every good thing you  left behind, waiting. 
time is nothing to me,I have more than enough,
every word we say is one step closer to where we
will end up, alone, together, at the end of the world


rachelbegins: (Default)
the warm spaces between your fingers
feel like infinity to me and I'm drowning
in the depths of your dreams. the tear of
water in my lungs, the tug of razorblades
scraping skin. it's the illusion of shadows
when things go bump in the night and the
guidance of stars that are just satellites,
leading us all in a circle around infinity
that just loops back to being lost in the
eyes of needles, unseeing and not caring
about whether you make it through or not.

pinpricks bleed drops of tears and you
cry acid, they leave trenches in their
wake, scars you'll never be able to forget
and the past is never far enough for you to
let it go.  chew on your nails until they bleed
and taste the salt with broken eyes. let it
leak into old wounds because you still feel
like hurting yourself for things you never had
control over.  tear yourself apart until you
don't know how to put yourself back together.

it's the feeling that your heart is smudged
around the edges and you don't know how
to make it into something beautiful. the
disappointment you feel eating an orange
and then biting into a seed, and well, I'm
content with being the paper plate you spit
the seeds onto.  I'm waiting here until you
finally decide that you need me again.

but there's an edge to your voice that
cuts through my control like the skip
of a record, throwing me off and making
me feel nostalgic for those days when
it was easier to breathe and I didn't
constantly feel like there was a knife
lodged between my shoulder blades.

it's the reassurance of speakers pulsing
against your fingertips in beat to the
only thing that can save you, it's you
and me and keeping the windows down
all year, feeling snowflakes against our
cheeks at 30 miles per hour, it's taking
the perfect picture right before the batteries
die and it's the soft weight of you on my
mind that can always keep me grounded.

or maybe this is all an illusion that I'm
afraid to let go of, maybe it's losing the
lyric book to your favorite CD, even though
you already know all the words, afraid of
forgetting what you swore you never would.
the strobe lights of ambulances at 2 in
the morning and feeling detached from any
kind of sympathy,  falling with your eyes
closed because even when you know they're
waiting, you can't look to see the rocks.

you are such a natural at being loved that
maybe you don't take the time to learn how
to love other people.  that could be your
biggest downfall or the last boost you need
to make it out of this alive.  whether it's good
or bad or we never know the difference, I'm
still waiting in infinity with my fingers keeping
yours company until you make up your mind



rachelbegins: (Default)
It's quiet, following just behind your
shadow, sneaking just outside your
field of vision.  a small laugh that you
barley catch, just a turn of your head
and you still can't hear me, see me,
can you feel me? feel my love, soft,
just out of your reach.  just what you
thought you would never need, and
now you're finding it hard to breathe
without my smile to calm your nerves.
I will not be the drug that soothes your
troubled thoughts and I refuse to be
your last resort.  I can't help but want
to be your safety net, the one place you
can fall and softly land, a safe place that
only we can find.  we will follow the road
where it turns to gravel, take off our shoes
as it is reduced to dust, part the tall grass
by the water and squish our toes through
the mud.  I would tell you that I love you,
but you would only run.  and I would only
let you, dip my feet in the cool river, tread
water until I cannot see, cannot feel,
cannot hear your broken voice as it rings
in my ears:  'nothing we love will ever stay
the way we want it to, beauty fades and
love was created to be taken away', oh but
I never got the chance to tell you that love
is never created or destroyed, it just is, and
it is a gift, one that never leaves, but changes
forms.   water fills my ears and your heavy
footsteps have long faded, and my love
for you is waiting in every piece of this
mess I mistake for a heart, pulsing through
every beat and it has filled my body with
a fire that only you can put out, and you
have doused it yet again. 



I don't know what to say for myself.  Sometimes I just write, with no regard for the mess I make.

June 2009

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