rachelbegins: (brendon singing)
I think it would be pretty awesome if the world would just, please, start making some sense.  Kthnx? More on that later....

Anyway.  I'm pretty sure everyone knows what Dollywood is, but in case you don't, it's this big deal theme park-type thing in Gatlinburg, TN that pretty much everyone in Tn flocks to every weekend.  Seriously.  It's like our Six Flags, only it's owned by Dolly Parton [hence the name].  It's a really neat place, full of awesome rides and shows and such and I love it there, but I never get to go.  So when my friend/future room-mate offered me a free ticket to go with my high school on last Friday, I glady accepted.  Long story short, I had a freakin' blast.

It was so nice to just get out of the house and hang out with some friends that I don't really get to see very often, let alone spend time with.  I got a slight sunburn and my calf muscles hurt like hell, but it was worth it.

Saturday was calm, content.  Peaceful in a starry-eyed sort of way.  I pretty much just wrote and ate pudding all day.  Good times.  Nic called, and he was supposed to come over and bake a cookie-cake with me, but then he had stuff to do for his mom and couldn't.

Nic worries me a lot lately.  I feel like he's letting too many outside influences keep him from really being happy.  Yes, he's bi, but he doesn't really like to talk about it [it's okay that you know, Shan, just don't ever bring it up with him].  He was raised in a family that was neither here nor there religiously, and because of that, he feels like he can't be bisexual, like he isn't allowed to because of the religion he's chosen to follow.

Now, I love and support him no matter what, but I can't stand seeing him repress feelings just to keep everyone else happy.  I'm afraid that he's going to miss out on so much if he chooses to not act on any feelings he may have for guys from this point on, he might miss out on that One Person just because it might be a guy. 

There's nothing wrong with how he feels towards other guys, and I've told him this but it's hard for him to accept.  It's like... I read this book once, and it had this theory:  'As far as gay and straight is concerned, on a scale of 0 to 10, everyone on earth falls between 1 and 9.'  That makes perfect sense and I believe it wholeheartedly.  Sometimes it's hard to make other people understand that.

I want him to feel accepted by a church, to have them know about his sexuality and embrace it instead of turning him out and I know he wants that too.  Except.. I'm afraid that he's so scared of not finding it that he's not even going to bother looking, as if that would make it hurt less.  Maybe it will, but probably not.

I wish I could turn this blog to a lighter note, but I'm afraid all I have are minor chords.

College is still scary, high school is still stupid, and I am still afraid of the future but still hoping for the best.  This always happens.  I've been reading a lot of weird poetry lately, and in an attempt to fix this mess of words I've tossed together, I'd like to bring your attention to the new poem for this month.

'How to Tell a Story' by Shira Erlichman.  It's gorgeous and ridiculous and makes me smile with all my teeth, bright and real.  Look it up.  I hope it makes you think.
rachelbegins: (Default)
I never said it was a good poem.  It's rough, it's uneven, it's ugly but it's honest.  And for that reason alone, I want to remember it.  This is for Nic, for Shan, for the few.  They know who they are.

catch my letters in a butterfly net,
try to pin them down but they flutter
into place on their own, wistful and
begging for you to just let them go,
to just trust them to lead you in the
right direction, despite the mist that
has covered your eyes.

and they fly, they still, they fall
into words and phrases that you
can't bear to look at, that you cover
with your hand, force your eyes to
the  sky.  but the words, they burn,
they are persistent and with that
same dull doubt you put your hands
to your sides, cast down your eyes
and read:

'forever is a notion that we will never
understand, something we will never
live to see.  but for now, it's enough
just to know that I've got you and
you've got me'
rachelbegins: (brendon singing)
It's been one of those days.

I don't want to bother re-hashing it here, but if you're interested, it's all in my Tumblr

you don’t always notice it right away
but part of its beauty is that you don’t
always have to.  love will stick around
long after you tell it to leave, and
promise you only things it can keep.

Three cheers for random bad poetry!  God.  Part of me just wants to cry for no reason.  I have amazing people in my life, and all the people who have brought me down are out of my life for good.  I have my college life set, and my future has never looked so bright…  So what’s holding me back?

I know what it’s like to be perfectly, indulgently happy.  Every individual piece of my life is perfect so why is it that, when I put them all together, all I get is a mess? I mean, it’s car a crash.  Passengers sustained minor injuries, but the driver is in intensive care.

Sometimes I think I’d be happier in a hospital bed.



rachelbegins: (Bdon lavender hoodie)
I don't even know, okay?  FIC.  I miss Nic and when I miss him, I write fic.  What this says about our friendship, I don't know.  But I don't think it matters anyway.

Anyway, I wrote FIC today, and it's not done yet.  But it's getting there.  It's a scene or two that, after I clean it up, could turn into a pretty nice FIC, one that I could maybe even be proud of.  I'm putting it under a cut just for people who aren't into slash [although I don't know why they wouldn't be]

The thing about being on tour... )
rachelbegins: (I'm not good or real)
So, according to my doctor, I have bronchitis, strep throat, and possibly mono.  I'm also not allowed to go back to school until, at the earliest,  Wed. of next week.  This isn't as surprising as you would think, seeing as I've been puking and coughing and just dying in general for days now.  More like a week, really.   Still, this is pretty much crap.  The first day of play practice is Wed. of next week, and if I'm not well enough to go.. well, I'm going anyway, but I'm gonna be really pissed off about it.  Just for the record.

Nic is about to finally get himself a car.  It's a Celica, with band stickers on the back and a 'Miranda' sticker on the window.  I'm kind of in love with it and we're friends with the guy selling it, so it's only $750 dollars.  As soon as he buys it, I'll put up pictures of me standing on the back because I'm lame that way.  I wanted to take it down to Charlottle with us, but Nic doesn't want to risk it.  It is an old car, after all. 

Guys, I finally filled up all my user-pic slots.  This is a big deal for me, I normally just use the same picture for everything.   I feel like I should use the space if they give it to me though,  so.

I'm working on like, 5 fics right now.  None of them are even half-way done, and I kind of hate myself for that.   When I say that I write all the time, I'm not exagerating in the least.  My pen is always to the paper, my fingers are always against these keys.  I don't know what else to do with myself, so I let the words fix things.  However, fic is a nice break from all my crazy and now that I'm not writing as much fic, I'm writing a surplus of poetry that doesn't make any sense and I hate that.  I like my fic, I miss it.  

It's late where I live, and I should be getting my rest since I'm so deathly and all.   But today, I slept until 3:30 in the afternoon, so I'm not even tired.  I should use this time to work on fic or something, but instead I'm gonna watch Will & Grace and pretend all my fic doesn't exist so it won't be mad at me for not writing it.  This is sad and crazy, but what can I do.

On that note, NIC:

He's my favorite.

And now I'm off to sleep.  <3

rachelbegins: (Default)
Sometimes, I'll wake up in the middle of the night and not know where I am.  I'll stretch and blink and reach for my glasses and in those first few moments of blurry consciousness, nothing feels like it should.  My eyes are too warm, my limbs are too light and it feels as if something has crawled under my skin.  And well, ever since I got this ridiculous cold, that's how I've been feeling.  I just.  I feel like I'm not all here. I fee like radio static.  Frazzled.  A little bit desperate and lost.

Let it also be known that I pretty much make less than sense when I'm on any kind of medicine, let alone taking one of every pill in the house, as I am now.  I will probably look at this entry tomorrow and want to punch myself.

On the bright side, my 18th birthday isn't until March 25th, but my mom bought my present  today:  2 tickets to see Fall Out Boy in Charlotte on April 24th.   And let me just say that I've never been more excited for anything.  Ever.  Fall Out Boy is my band, you know?  The one band that I've just always been into more than anyone else I know.  I'm a die hard, since Evening Out...  And honest to God, I could not have a more amazing mom.  The tickets and fees and parking totaled around 141 dollars and I don't even know if we can afford that.  But part of me doesn't even care because I'm not used to being about to do stuff like this and it almost feels like, after all the things I've gone without over the years, I deserve this.

She got two tickets, so I'm taking my bestie, Nic.  He even volunteered to drive =].  Obviously, we're excited as crap.

And this is gonna be my first real show.  I'll be 18 and going to my first show.  I think that fits, somehow.  It fits because going to big deal shows since the age of 12 doesn't make you hardcore, it makes you careless.  You don't appreciate concerts when you're 12.  When you're 12, you're a baby.  I'm excited because I'm old enough to really appreciate who I'm seeing, old enough to really enjoy myself. 

That reminds me of something I hate about a lot of Fall Out Boy fans, they're such snobs.  Seriously, if you haven't been to every show ever, they just turn up their noses and treat you like shit.  I know, I've been there.  They don't understand that forcing their parents to not go grocery shopping just so they can go to a show is not being a die-hard, it's being a snotty kid.  And we all know that happens.  Kids will cry and scream until they get their parents to hand over the credit cards.  My mom has never been able to afford concert tickets for me, so I've never bothered asking.  Because of that, I've missed 11 concerts in 7 years, at least.  Those are just the ones I can think of off the top of my head.  And it's never mattered because I've always known that it's more important to pay the bills. Growing up poor is good for a kid.

And because I've never seen FOB live,  no one on the message boards or Friends or Enemies will take me me seriously.  Very frustrating.  I guess that they just don't understand that there's a whole group of die-hards out there who simply don't have the means to see them as often as we would like, if at all.

Sorry about all the ranting, but I get really into the scene.  I think that everyone should just let the music speak for itself.  I wish that people would just stop being crazy. 

Still!  4 hours in a car with my best friend.  It's a good time already, pretty much.  And I made sure mom got GA floor seats so we can get up close to the stage and freak out and stuff. 

This brings me to my list of artists that I would love to see live, in no particular order:

1.  Jackson Browne.
2.  Panic at the Disco.
3.  Green Day.
4.  Gym Class Heroes.
5.  Counting Crows.
6.  Anna Nalick
7.  The Academy Is...
8.  The Eagles [just because]
9.  Trans-Siberian Orchestra.
10.  Jack's Mannequin.

It makes me really happy that FOB is no longer on the list because I'm actually gonna see them. 

I have to go back to school tomorrow and I don't want to because it's probably not safe to drive a mini-van while on cold medicine, and I have to turn in my annotated bibliography for my research paper on E.E. Cummings.  I haven't even started the actual paper, and my rough draft is due on Friday.

I haven't eaten in three days and now that I'm done ranting and not making any sense, I'm gonna go to sleep.

rachelbegins: (Default)
Jeez.  There's so much snow here right now.  Pictures later, promise.  The good news is that I'm not going to school tomorrow and life is good again.

So, my best friend was born on Valentine's Day and this year, she turns 17.  We're both pretty pumped, but, of course, something always comes up.  Last years dilemma was finding time on her birthday for her and my boyfriend at the time because it was our anniversary.  This year, there's a show that night that I really want to go to.

The city I live in is getting pretty big because of the good bands that have come from here.  Ever heard of The Showdown?  I know them pretty well, I've met them more times than I can count.   I've also met Inhale Exhale [who you've probably never heard of] and the band I'm gonna go see on Valentine's Day:  Say You Will.  There are no words for how fantastic those boys are, holy crap.  They're just so good and they're really nice too, always up for a good talk before or after the show.

But anyway, I'm going to her house right after school so we can relax and eat ice-cream and have general Litter Of Puppies time [it's a long story].  Then I'm going straight from her house to The Hideaway and it's gonna be insane. 

In other news, my 18th birthday is coming up and I've already decided what I'm gonna do.  It's on a school day, so I'm gonna wear my tiara and generally goof off.  Then, after school, Bee [the best friend] is picking me up and we're gonna go to Barnes and Noble to drink expensive coffee, then to the mall to shop for a bit.  After Litter Of Puppies time, she's bringing me to the house so I can eat cake and go to dinner with my mom, sister, and Nic.  =]  Nic's gonna spend the night and we're gonna stay up and watch Will & Grace until we pass out.  The weekend after, my older sister is taking me to a gay bar and I can't wait =].  It's gonna be epic.  

Seriously, I love my life.  

You know, I really think that 17 is the longest year of anyone's life.  It feels like I've been 17 for decades... but I'm also afraid that, once I turn 18, time is going to speed up just to piss me off.


But it's okay.  Life is good.
rachelbegins: (Default)
It's been interesting.

School was out yesterday because it's 8 degrees outside.  Personally, I don't think it's that big of a deal because it's not like we'd be outside anyway, all the students would be inside the nice, warm classrooms.  But whatever, it gave me an excuse to not go to school so it's all good.

So, instead of going to school, I went out to eat with my older sister, Dani and our friend Aaron.  And then we got ice-cream XD.  I had this crazy rainbow death ice-cream with a bunch of sprinkles and it was awesome.  Then we came back to the house and watched House until roughly 10 that night when I had to go pick my Nic up from a basketball game.  He doesn't play, but he's in the pep band, so.

We brought Nic over here and he stayed the night to watch Star Wars with me XD.  We all fell asleep on couches and I woke up at like, 9 in the morning because Nic had scholar's bowl practice this morning.   I woke up and stumbled into my room to find real clothes and Nic was just chilling in my bed, watching a pokemon movie.   Which is pretty normal for us. 

So we woke up my sister and Aaron and Nic put on my Dahsboard Confessional shirt, the hat he bought me and my favorite MCR jacket =[.  Looks like I won't be getting those back for a while.  Anyway, we took him to practice, ran by the Wal-Mart for doughnuts, and now I'm haning out at the house until Dani and Aaron get home from guitar whatever.  It's been a good day.

I don't really understand where my crazy good mood came from.  I've just... I guess, I just randomly realized that I love my life.  Which is good, because my ex boyfriend fucked me up in the head.   He broke up with me three days before our six month anniversary and then started dating another girl the day after when our six month anniversary should have been.  In short, he was an asshole.  


I'm was listening to Northern Downpour earlier and my favorite thing to do is fix my headphones so that it only plays Brendon's voice.   There's just something about his voice... I think it's that he loves to sing so much that it just comes out in his voice and you can just feel it.  Besides, he's obviously had some kind of classical training.  I can just tell things like that, I grew up around singers.

You know what else is great?  Cranium.  You know, the board game?  It's pretty much the best thing since Disney Scene It?.  If you've never heard of it, you should totally get it, it's really amazing.

I'm rambling again.
rachelbegins: (Default)
Come on guys, I want to answer some more questions =]

But, in other news... it's 6 degrees outside here an it just stopped snowing and, for whatever reason, the school system I'm in is not closed tomorrow.  Maybe it's just my county, but they let us out for snow even when it's just really cold outside.  I want a day off.   I need it.

To distract myself, I found a pretty new Will & Grace mood theme =]  Have I talked about how much I love my Nic lately?  No?  Okay, then.  He stays up late to watch Will & Grace with me and my mom lets him drive her car, just because he loves to.  He bought me a hat for christmas:

I love it.  But he kept it for like, 2 weeks before he gave it to me because it looks better on him.  He's taking me to see Coraline as soon as it comes out because he loves Tim Burton and I love fairy tales.  There are no words, I love him.

I've been writing a lot these past few days, mostly just random bits of poetry.  But I did write a couple of stand-alones that I really like, but that also need some work.  So, Imma send 'em to my lovely beta and see if I ever clean them up enough to post them.  

Today, I totally skipped out on choir practice because, really, I just didn't feel like singing.  Not anything classical, anyway.  Have I mentioned yet that I sing?  I love to sing and it doesn't even matter that I suck sometimes because I just love it so much.   Especially when I sing with Nic.

His voice is so amazing and I think I love it so much because it's so <i>low</i>.  All the women in my family sing and I'm so used to voices that are in higher octaves so Nic's naturally low voice [that can hit the high notes] just amazes me.  Ugh, I love it.

My house is fuckin' freezing.  I hate the cold, but whatev. 

I'm gonna make some ice-cream.  Ben & Jerry's.  Chocolate chip cookie dough =]

June 2009

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