rachelbegins: (brendon's MOUTH)

There are feathers everywhere, but it's fine

And it is.  I'm fine, this is fine.  I can learn to live like this.  This stupid, stupid boy.  This foolish, foolish girl.  This clumsy, clumsy heart.  I feel so disconnected, like I'm watching myself from a great distance, horrified at the choices I'm making but unable to do a thing about it.

I'm not in love with him, I don't even like him.  And he isn't in love with me, he doesn't even like me... but at the same time, it's like we're unable to be justfriends.  There's this connection between us, a golden thread that keeps us together even through our best attempts to cut through it.  Maybe it's the hopeless romantic in me, or maybe it's my inability to accept things as they are, but that has to mean something, right?  The fact that we always come back to each other has to stand for something.  Maybe we don't know what but probably, we wish we didn't know.

I'd like to get off this emo-train, but it seems as if there are no stops between where I am and where I would like to be.  This always happens.

Let's try to lighten things up a bit, shall we?  I have a ton of phrases to base fic on, but I need to finish swing!FIC first.  It's taking me forever because I want it to be good and epic and amazing and I don't know if I can pull that off.  Regarldess, here are some of the prompts I have in mind for fic:

As you drift further into the past, my memory of you fractures and splinters until all I can clearly remember is not a picture but a feeling.

Items will say “no known compatible issues” because there will be no known compatible issues and there won’t be any jails or courts or manuals or propriety or form signing and faxing because you will trust me and I will trust you.

And when I asked you how you'd been I meant I missed you more than I've ever missed anything before.

You can never lose yourself so much that I won't find you. And remind you of what it felt like to be here.

It's easy. You just love me with all your heart and soul till the end of time.

You're not lost. You are the sky. Your parts move and now, never rust. You are burning wheels and a turning world. You are the wind in silver hair. This is our road. I am a map to you.

God.  I know that it sounds as if I plan to kill the boys from so much heartache, but I don't know how to write a sad ending, so.  Promise, I won't make the resulting fics too angsty.  

UB is hell.  I don't know how to function without Nic but I guess this is good for us.  Learning how to be okay without each other around constantly will come in handy when I start school.  =/.  

Also, tattoo soon =].  Hopefully this weekend, but only if Nic can go with me.  I feel like it would be something of a waste to go without my best friend.  Oh, and, since people keep asking, the reason I'm getting this tattoo all of a sudden is because my friend Rebekah is turning 18 on Thursday.  This is a huge deal, mainly because we've been counting down the days to her 18th birthday for 2 and a half years.  A little over a year ago, we agreed to get tattoos done together for her 18th birthday and here I am, planning out my simple treble clef.

When I called the tattoo parlor today  and he asked me what I wanted to get done so I told him, "I want a simple treble clef, behind my right ear." and he was like, 'That is going to hurt like hell.'  I just shrugged and replied, "Well, yeah.  But music is something I've always loved and will always love.  The pain is worth it for having music permantly under my skin." and he was just quiet for a few seconds XD.

But yeah.  Shan is the only person who ever reads my journal and I love her for it.  [I hope you liked your sign].

rachelbegins: (brendon singing)
I think it would be pretty awesome if the world would just, please, start making some sense.  Kthnx? More on that later....

Anyway.  I'm pretty sure everyone knows what Dollywood is, but in case you don't, it's this big deal theme park-type thing in Gatlinburg, TN that pretty much everyone in Tn flocks to every weekend.  Seriously.  It's like our Six Flags, only it's owned by Dolly Parton [hence the name].  It's a really neat place, full of awesome rides and shows and such and I love it there, but I never get to go.  So when my friend/future room-mate offered me a free ticket to go with my high school on last Friday, I glady accepted.  Long story short, I had a freakin' blast.

It was so nice to just get out of the house and hang out with some friends that I don't really get to see very often, let alone spend time with.  I got a slight sunburn and my calf muscles hurt like hell, but it was worth it.

Saturday was calm, content.  Peaceful in a starry-eyed sort of way.  I pretty much just wrote and ate pudding all day.  Good times.  Nic called, and he was supposed to come over and bake a cookie-cake with me, but then he had stuff to do for his mom and couldn't.

Nic worries me a lot lately.  I feel like he's letting too many outside influences keep him from really being happy.  Yes, he's bi, but he doesn't really like to talk about it [it's okay that you know, Shan, just don't ever bring it up with him].  He was raised in a family that was neither here nor there religiously, and because of that, he feels like he can't be bisexual, like he isn't allowed to because of the religion he's chosen to follow.

Now, I love and support him no matter what, but I can't stand seeing him repress feelings just to keep everyone else happy.  I'm afraid that he's going to miss out on so much if he chooses to not act on any feelings he may have for guys from this point on, he might miss out on that One Person just because it might be a guy. 

There's nothing wrong with how he feels towards other guys, and I've told him this but it's hard for him to accept.  It's like... I read this book once, and it had this theory:  'As far as gay and straight is concerned, on a scale of 0 to 10, everyone on earth falls between 1 and 9.'  That makes perfect sense and I believe it wholeheartedly.  Sometimes it's hard to make other people understand that.

I want him to feel accepted by a church, to have them know about his sexuality and embrace it instead of turning him out and I know he wants that too.  Except.. I'm afraid that he's so scared of not finding it that he's not even going to bother looking, as if that would make it hurt less.  Maybe it will, but probably not.

I wish I could turn this blog to a lighter note, but I'm afraid all I have are minor chords.

College is still scary, high school is still stupid, and I am still afraid of the future but still hoping for the best.  This always happens.  I've been reading a lot of weird poetry lately, and in an attempt to fix this mess of words I've tossed together, I'd like to bring your attention to the new poem for this month.

'How to Tell a Story' by Shira Erlichman.  It's gorgeous and ridiculous and makes me smile with all my teeth, bright and real.  Look it up.  I hope it makes you think.
rachelbegins: (Default)
I don't even know, at this point.

Fandom is making me really sad, because the boys are off making no sense whatsoever.  Something Big happened, and it feels like something with those boys has shifted drastically.  I will never believe in Ryan and Jon, I just won't.  Mainly because it feels to me that, the reason Jon stayed with Ryan is because Brendon wanted Spencer with him for the simple reason that Spencer was as close to Ryan as he was going to get at the time.  He was taking what he could get because he was feeling so damn lost.  I also agree with [livejournal.com profile] lolab  about the whole 'SEE? I'M FINE WITHOUT YOU!' thing.  Brendon was trying too hard on purpose, just to get Ryan to notice him again.

Srsly.  Bandom makes my head hurt.  There's so much fic that I want to write, but I really do not have time to write anything.  I barely have time to eat and sleep and do homework.  Life is sort of kicking my ass right now and it sucks.  And  I know that it's gonna get worse once I start college in the fall, especially with my goal of making the Dean's List. 

High hopes, I guess.

rachelbegins: (Default)
I never said it was a good poem.  It's rough, it's uneven, it's ugly but it's honest.  And for that reason alone, I want to remember it.  This is for Nic, for Shan, for the few.  They know who they are.

catch my letters in a butterfly net,
try to pin them down but they flutter
into place on their own, wistful and
begging for you to just let them go,
to just trust them to lead you in the
right direction, despite the mist that
has covered your eyes.

and they fly, they still, they fall
into words and phrases that you
can't bear to look at, that you cover
with your hand, force your eyes to
the  sky.  but the words, they burn,
they are persistent and with that
same dull doubt you put your hands
to your sides, cast down your eyes
and read:

'forever is a notion that we will never
understand, something we will never
live to see.  but for now, it's enough
just to know that I've got you and
you've got me'

June 2009

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