rachelbegins: (Default)
 
I've been meaning to write a fic about that song for years.  Don't know why I've never gotten around to it.  Right now, I have about 5 fics waiting paitently for me to finish them and I keep taking advantage of their willingness to wait.  [Why can't I ever 'talk' like a normal person?  I mean really.].

Sometimes, I read those 21,000 word fics that get like, 65 comments and I wonder what it is about them that attracts everyone.  It's not that they aren't very well written because they are, it's just that.  What is it about my fic that makes people skip over it most of the time?  Seriously.  Those fics are all about the same thing, about Ryan and Brendon being witty fail-boats that manage to fall in love.    It's the same dialogue, in different orders.  [livejournal.com profile] lolab is pretty much the only exception to this rule.

I want people to read my fic and appreciate the words,  but no one seems to love them quite the way I do.  Story of my life.

I need to put up my song rec of the day for Tumblr and I need to finish printing out pictures for my senior slideshow.  High school is crap, I cannot wait to finally get out.
rachelbegins: (brendon singing)
It's been one of those days.

I don't want to bother re-hashing it here, but if you're interested, it's all in my Tumblr




you don’t always notice it right away
but part of its beauty is that you don’t
always have to.  love will stick around
long after you tell it to leave, and
promise you only things it can keep.

Three cheers for random bad poetry!  God.  Part of me just wants to cry for no reason.  I have amazing people in my life, and all the people who have brought me down are out of my life for good.  I have my college life set, and my future has never looked so bright…  So what’s holding me back?

I know what it’s like to be perfectly, indulgently happy.  Every individual piece of my life is perfect so why is it that, when I put them all together, all I get is a mess? I mean, it’s car a crash.  Passengers sustained minor injuries, but the driver is in intensive care.

Sometimes I think I’d be happier in a hospital bed.

xxoo
rachel
 


 

rachelbegins: (brendon singing)
I think this icon accurately expresses how I'm feeling right now.  Here, have some quickly and poorly written poetry.


only the curious

these nights feel like forever, every second drags
on for miles and I am so far from home. I can't
see the light in your eyes from here, come back
to me?  come into the light so I can see that
smile and those eyes and we both know where
this is heading.  it's no secret that my heart, it
beats so slowly but in perfect time with yours. 
this rush of days and nothing will erase the mark
you've made upon my heart: a permanent reminder
that I will follow wherever you will lead me, out of
the woods and into a world where nothing makes
sense, not even you and it's true, I would give up
forever to touch you and I know that you feel me
somehow, you have to, I can hear it in your voice,
every I love you is left unsaid to die in whispers
between us, this empty static that plays on a
lonely radio, the one that's left behind. love, we
were perfection, the kind of forever that they are
jealous of.  and you, you gave it all  up for nothing. 
she may have a better kiss  but it will never last,
and all that I can give  you is everything I have:
a heart that's bruised but waiting for your arms,
two eyes that see the beauty that rests inside
of you, and a love that will wash over us and
calm this sea of uncertainty.  oh, and love, I
miss your voice, that quiet drawl in the early
hours to set me at ease, and those uneven
notes to lull me to sleep.  nothing will ever erase
the safety I found in your arms, the comfort I
depended on, the love that kept me above water. 
and all of it, I will remember.  youandme and
everything in between, every second another
reminder that I lost the other half of my heart. 
so I, I will stay here in the cobwebs of your past,
with every good thing you  left behind, waiting. 
time is nothing to me,I have more than enough,
every word we say is one step closer to where we
will end up, alone, together, at the end of the world


rachelbegins: (Default)
Sometimes, I'll wake up in the middle of the night and not know where I am.  I'll stretch and blink and reach for my glasses and in those first few moments of blurry consciousness, nothing feels like it should.  My eyes are too warm, my limbs are too light and it feels as if something has crawled under my skin.  And well, ever since I got this ridiculous cold, that's how I've been feeling.  I just.  I feel like I'm not all here. I fee like radio static.  Frazzled.  A little bit desperate and lost.

Let it also be known that I pretty much make less than sense when I'm on any kind of medicine, let alone taking one of every pill in the house, as I am now.  I will probably look at this entry tomorrow and want to punch myself.

On the bright side, my 18th birthday isn't until March 25th, but my mom bought my present  today:  2 tickets to see Fall Out Boy in Charlotte on April 24th.   And let me just say that I've never been more excited for anything.  Ever.  Fall Out Boy is my band, you know?  The one band that I've just always been into more than anyone else I know.  I'm a die hard, since Evening Out...  And honest to God, I could not have a more amazing mom.  The tickets and fees and parking totaled around 141 dollars and I don't even know if we can afford that.  But part of me doesn't even care because I'm not used to being about to do stuff like this and it almost feels like, after all the things I've gone without over the years, I deserve this.

She got two tickets, so I'm taking my bestie, Nic.  He even volunteered to drive =].  Obviously, we're excited as crap.

And this is gonna be my first real show.  I'll be 18 and going to my first show.  I think that fits, somehow.  It fits because going to big deal shows since the age of 12 doesn't make you hardcore, it makes you careless.  You don't appreciate concerts when you're 12.  When you're 12, you're a baby.  I'm excited because I'm old enough to really appreciate who I'm seeing, old enough to really enjoy myself. 

That reminds me of something I hate about a lot of Fall Out Boy fans, they're such snobs.  Seriously, if you haven't been to every show ever, they just turn up their noses and treat you like shit.  I know, I've been there.  They don't understand that forcing their parents to not go grocery shopping just so they can go to a show is not being a die-hard, it's being a snotty kid.  And we all know that happens.  Kids will cry and scream until they get their parents to hand over the credit cards.  My mom has never been able to afford concert tickets for me, so I've never bothered asking.  Because of that, I've missed 11 concerts in 7 years, at least.  Those are just the ones I can think of off the top of my head.  And it's never mattered because I've always known that it's more important to pay the bills. Growing up poor is good for a kid.

And because I've never seen FOB live,  no one on the message boards or Friends or Enemies will take me me seriously.  Very frustrating.  I guess that they just don't understand that there's a whole group of die-hards out there who simply don't have the means to see them as often as we would like, if at all.

Sorry about all the ranting, but I get really into the scene.  I think that everyone should just let the music speak for itself.  I wish that people would just stop being crazy. 

Still!  4 hours in a car with my best friend.  It's a good time already, pretty much.  And I made sure mom got GA floor seats so we can get up close to the stage and freak out and stuff. 

This brings me to my list of artists that I would love to see live, in no particular order:

1.  Jackson Browne.
2.  Panic at the Disco.
3.  Green Day.
4.  Gym Class Heroes.
5.  Counting Crows.
6.  Anna Nalick
7.  The Academy Is...
8.  The Eagles [just because]
9.  Trans-Siberian Orchestra.
10.  Jack's Mannequin.

It makes me really happy that FOB is no longer on the list because I'm actually gonna see them. 

I have to go back to school tomorrow and I don't want to because it's probably not safe to drive a mini-van while on cold medicine, and I have to turn in my annotated bibliography for my research paper on E.E. Cummings.  I haven't even started the actual paper, and my rough draft is due on Friday.

I haven't eaten in three days and now that I'm done ranting and not making any sense, I'm gonna go to sleep.

xo
rachel
rachelbegins: (Default)
I've been listening to Bright Eyes a lot more than usual lately.  And you know, I listen to them a lot, but they're pretty much all that's on my Zune quick list these days.  And I'm even sad or lonely like I usually am whenever I listen to them.  Crazy stuff.

So, I saw the music prompt on Wednesday for we are cities and I started writing this crazy standalone... type weird thing.  It's more like a bunch of little scenes that sort of go together.  And I can't decide if I want to connect them all together or leave them all very loosely related like they are now.  Surprisingly, I really like them, I think that with a bit of work, they could be really good.

Also, I think I've some new friends to aid me in my fic writing =D.  I'm so excited, I love people giving me constructive criticism when I write, it's pretty much my favorite thing ever.  Besides, there's nothing like talking to another writer.  They put things in perspective, they understand where I'm coming from.

My poetry has kind of been suffering lately.  I don't know why, but I'm just not writing as much of it as I used to.  It's kind of hard to explain.  It's not like I write a lot of poetry anyway, but when I do it's intense and long and I love it.  Something about poetry just makes me feel comfortable.  I guess it's easier for people to criticize stories, poetry can mean whatever I want it to and no one says a word.  That sounds horrible, doesn't it?  Oh well.

Graduation is in a few months and I still have so many schools left to apply for.  My grades have never been really low, but they've also never really been as high as I would like.  I'm hoping that my high ACT score will help me get into my top-choice school, but I don't know.  I've always cared about my grades, but they've never really reflected that, I guess. 

Have any of you noticed that when I'm writing blogs, my writing doesn't flow at all.  I just jump around and switch to whatever pops into my head without any regard for how ridiculous I sound.  Hope that doesn't bother anyone. 

On that note, sort of, I'm considering making my journal friends only. I don't have a lot of friends, but I really want to keep my journal private while still knowing people are listening.  Thus, friends only.  Making a banner is gonna be the hard part, since my photoshop skills are pretty much non-existent. woot.

And I wish that I could spiff up my journal a bit more, but whatever.

Sorry for all the rambling.

=]

xoxo
rachel

June 2009

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