rachelbegins: (Default)
I don't even know, at this point.

Fandom is making me really sad, because the boys are off making no sense whatsoever.  Something Big happened, and it feels like something with those boys has shifted drastically.  I will never believe in Ryan and Jon, I just won't.  Mainly because it feels to me that, the reason Jon stayed with Ryan is because Brendon wanted Spencer with him for the simple reason that Spencer was as close to Ryan as he was going to get at the time.  He was taking what he could get because he was feeling so damn lost.  I also agree with [livejournal.com profile] lolab  about the whole 'SEE? I'M FINE WITHOUT YOU!' thing.  Brendon was trying too hard on purpose, just to get Ryan to notice him again.

Srsly.  Bandom makes my head hurt.  There's so much fic that I want to write, but I really do not have time to write anything.  I barely have time to eat and sleep and do homework.  Life is sort of kicking my ass right now and it sucks.  And  I know that it's gonna get worse once I start college in the fall, especially with my goal of making the Dean's List. 

High hopes, I guess.

rachelbegins: (Default)
I never said it was a good poem.  It's rough, it's uneven, it's ugly but it's honest.  And for that reason alone, I want to remember it.  This is for Nic, for Shan, for the few.  They know who they are.

catch my letters in a butterfly net,
try to pin them down but they flutter
into place on their own, wistful and
begging for you to just let them go,
to just trust them to lead you in the
right direction, despite the mist that
has covered your eyes.

and they fly, they still, they fall
into words and phrases that you
can't bear to look at, that you cover
with your hand, force your eyes to
the  sky.  but the words, they burn,
they are persistent and with that
same dull doubt you put your hands
to your sides, cast down your eyes
and read:

'forever is a notion that we will never
understand, something we will never
live to see.  but for now, it's enough
just to know that I've got you and
you've got me'
rachelbegins: (Default)
I think it's about time for a good meme.  More like, I feel like shit and doing a ridiculous meme might make me feel a little bit better.  Seriously guys, I've had a sore throat from hell and a really high fever for days now and I have no. idea. why. 

So, here it goes:

Set your MP3 player to shuffle and type out a lyric from each song that plays, 1-25.  Try and get your f-list to guess the songs.

1.  Letting you in, well, I'll be thinking 'bout tomorrow and every time we cross those lines.
2.  This glass house is burning down, you light the match, I'll stick around.  I'll give you everything you want and wish the worst on what I was.
3.  This might just be a waste of time, but there's no one I'd rather waste my time with than all my best friends.
4.  What you feel is what you are and what you are is beautiful. 
5.  I just got myself to blame, leave everything up to fate.  When there's choices I could make, when there's choices I could make.  And now my heart needs a polygraph, always so eager to pack my bags when I really want to stay.
6.  When you're soaring through the air, I'll be your solid ground.  Take every chance you dare.  I'll still be there when you come back down.
7.  I can't believe it's been a year since I kissed my fears on their salty lips and said to them, 'I love you all'. 
8.  I saw the clouds forming tornados in the sky, the winter winds blew on lake michigan that night.  I carved your name into my arm so I would remember you. 
9.  Somewhere in between the beginning and the end, september took the tourists, settled in for good.  We could hear the trains again, brooklyn girls in scarves.  Summer left, and no one said a word.  We'd open your window, stay in your bed all day, 'till the streetlights came on.
10.  But with all my expectations long abandoned, my solitary nature notwithstanding.  You're the one who pulled me out of that crash-landing, my stunning mystery companion.
11.   You are calm and reposed, watch your beauty unfold; pale white like the skin stretched over your bones.  Spring keeps you ever-close, you are second hand smoke.  You are so fragile and thin, standing trial for your sins.  Holding onto yourself the best you can, you are the smell before rain, you are the blood in my veins.
12.  An anchor tied to their feet, with all their love, their hearts will sink.
13.  Baby, is this love for real?
14.  As you bury yourself deep in the dust of the sandiest grave you can find, it's a new desert life.  To be reborn again out of glass and of sand and you're shimmering and you are clear.
15.  We're only taking turns holding this world.  It's how it's always been, when you're older you will understand.
16.  I dreamed I saw you walking up a hillside in the snow.  Casting shadows on the winter sky as you stood there, counting crows.
17.  I'd run to you, but pain awaits. I'm coming home, but I'll be late.
18.  Salt, sweat, sugar on the asphalt. Our hearts, littering the topsoil.
19.  The regrets are useless in my mind, she's in my head I must confess. 
20.  This story's old but it goes on and on until we disappear.  Call me and let me taste the salt you breathed while you were underneath, I am the one who haunts your dreams of mountains sunk below the sea.  I spoke the words, but never gave a thought to what they all could mean.  I know that this is what you want, a funeral keeps both of us apart.  You know that you are not alone, I need you like water in my lungs.
21.  You took me from all that I knew, showed me how it feels to hope.  With you with me, facing tomorrow, together I can learn to fly.  It feels like I'm living in the lions mouth, but the lion is an angel.
22.  Lonely the life and dismal the view.  Closed is the road that leads to you.  Since better can be as friends we'll agree, Sabra girl, time will cure me.
23.  Buses, trains and airplanes leaving, burning fumes of gasoline and everyone is running and I come to find a refuge in the easy silence that you make for me.  It's okay when there's nothing more to say to me.  In the peaceful quiet that you create for me, and the way you keep the world at bay for me. 
24.  The closer that I look is just the farther that you get.  Already, stubborn skin thickens in attempt to understand.
25.  Through playful lips made of yarn, that fragile capricorn unraveled words like moths upon old scarves.  I know the word's a broken bone, but melt your headaches, call it home.

And there's that.  Guess if you like.

Also, new layout that I think I'm probably in love with.  Life is good.

June 2009

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